iOS? Facebook? Casual gaming is for posers. You are a real gamer damnit, and you don't care who knows it. You can't be bothered with the inane details of everyday life, you have a higher purpose. You live your life by a code, a rigid set of rules, and you've done just fine so far.
Rule #1: Gaming Etiquette
Single player is fun, but multiplayer is where you shine. It's the one forum where you can present your unfathomable abilities to the rest of the unskilled world and allow them to bask in the light of your gaming brilliance. As a model of the gaming community, it is your responsibility to help others rise high enough to glimpse your level of excellence.
The most effective way to impart your vast knowledge is to ridicule your team-mates mercilessly. Every mistake, every misstep must be pointed out and vastly exaggerated. It is your goal, as supreme gamer, to mock and humiliate anyone who is not you. This helps them to better understand their shortcomings and rise above their own pathetic limitations. This is important: Always...ALWAYS inform them that they should learn to play the game before hopping online.
As for your opponents, well, suffering the humiliation that is to come is punishment enough. HAHA! Just kidding. Your dominance must be displayed immediately. Insults directed at the opposing team's family and sexuality are key. The more violent and offensive, the better. If more than 30 seconds passes in a game lobby before someone stutters a racial or cultural slur, then you have not done your job properly.
Rule #2: Risk it For the Biscuit
Low on health? Getting mobbed by the other team? You laugh in the face of danger. Your reflexes are sharp and you are always three steps ahead. These are the moments you live for. When the day is done, and the bodies have been cleared away, you will stand victorious. A testament to modern men.
It is the indefinable element that separates you from other gamers. You see the opportunities and you take them. Ignoring the odds, math is stupid anyway, you plunge into the enemy horde. Hacking, slashing, shooting, kicking, whatever it takes to bathe in the digitally rendered blood of your enemies.
But this is not mere blood lust you see, for there is a method to your madness. You are a strategist. An artist really. You weave tapestries with your bullets, and create symphonies with your grenades. Victory is but a single nerd rage away. These are the times to celebrate, to look back and bask in the sheer genius of your well laid plans. Unless it doesn't work, but that's because the other team is cheating.
Rule #3: Dealing with Lag
It's the one thing that stands between you and the gaming hall of fame. Every hardcore gamer is all too familiar with it. Whether you are playing on a shoddy server or suffering from a slow internet connection, lag can mean the difference between life and death.
The key to dealing with lag is to announce it's presence at every turn, and to blame it vigorously. Someone get the jump on you? Lag. Failed to dodge a sword thrust in time? Lag. Lose a game? Lag. It's the only explanation for failure from a gamer of your caliber.
On the other hand, if another player claims to be experiencing lag, they are generally a noob who is making excuses. They must be ridiculed mercilessly. See Rule #1.
Rule #4: Career
Every gamer needs a source of income. At 60 bucks a pop, new games aren't going to buy themselves. This is where a true gamer needs to make a difficult choice and, lets face it, do you really want to spend 40 hours every week NOT playing video games?
Real gamers need jobs that will supply the bare minimum of cash, while simultaneously providing enough time for things that are important. This immediately eliminates any profession that requires you to be awake before 2 pm. Anyone who has ever been handed a controller and replied, "No thanks, I have to work early." is not a real gamer.
Fast food is the most commonly accepted profession for a gamer. Six hour shifts, flexible hours, and you can generally get away with faking an illness on those days when a new game is released. I recommend pizza delivery. Not much work is expected and tips will provide that extra influx of cash for random trips to Gamestop. Not to mention, you can almost always talk your way into a free pizza every now and then.
Side Note: You may be tempted to acquire a job that involves a cubicle and computer at your disposal. This is a beginners trap. While you would invariably be able to get in more gaming time when the boss isn't looking, these jobs often require some sort of degree. Who has time for that?
Rule #5: Relationships
For most of us, this is a non issue. Lets face it, we have waved bye-bye to the idea of a stable relationship years ago. However, for those gamers who manage to obtain a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife, it is important to find a person who will not interfere with your gaming duties.
Finding a partner who is also a gamer is ideal, but rare. While common interests are obviously shared, it is unlikely for two people who never leave their living room to actually meet. This poses a serious problem as gamers often end up dating non-gamers. Everything will start out great. He/she may even find your "hobby" initially charming. However, it's only a matter of time before the other party begins to feel neglected.
This reaction is common, and must be ignored at all costs. If your significant other is unable to sit through seven hour pwn sessions on a daily basis, then they are probably not the person for you. Eventually, your partner will suggest that you play games together in an attempt to heal the relationship and bring the two of you closer together. Isn't that cute?
The answer is no. No, it is not.
While you commend them for attempting to take interest in your life's work, this act can never take place. Precious hours will be wasted teaching them how to play, and constantly waiting for them to find your position on the map will ultimately lead to an aneurysm. You must concede that it is a good idea, and make a date to do so "sometime".
Headsets can help to drown out the sound of the subsequent nagging, crying, and alcohol abuse. Eventually, this person will threaten to leave you over some trivial matter. Just remember that birthdays come and go. If they really cared about you, they wouldn't insist on having theirs on the same day that an Assassins Creed game comes out.
Rule #6: Family and Friends
No group of people in the world will look down on your choice of lifestyle more than your family. They are a constant source of belittling, judgment, and guilt. After all, you had such potential. You could have really done something with your life. If only you had blah blah blah.
Family is a bit of a paradox for a gamer. They are a constant distraction, and yet you can't simply tell them to go away. They have faith in you, and this can be hard to discourage. The trick to dealing with familial relationships is to nurture their disappointment. Only call when you need something, make glaringly horrible decisions, avoid all opportunities for self improvement.
The goal here is to convince them that you are a lost cause, effectively making you the outcast of the family. Becoming an embarrassment of this caliber can take some time, but the results are undeniable. Soon you will only be burdened with their presence on major holidays.
Friends on the other hand do not hold you in such high regards. Simple neglect should do the trick here. Avoiding phone calls, cancelling plans, that sort of thing. For those friends who are hardcore gamers such as yourself, relationships must be nurtured. Fortunately, these are the easiest to maintain, as these people can generally be found on the couch next to you.
Rule #7: Can't reach it, don't need it.
You've made tremendous progress in maintaining your lifestyle. Your significant other has left, and you have alienated your friends and family. You've made enough tip money to buy the new Gears of War, and you are settling in for a long night.
A free pizza to your left, an extra pack of smokes to your right, and a bag of Doritos at your feet, all items are strategically place for optimum efficiency. Your whole day has built to this one moment. You once again find your place in the world, and you are at peace.The game starts up, and then it happens...
As you glance to the kitchen, time stops. You realize your mistake. A four pack of Monster sits on the counter, mocking you. You are thirsty but the game has already started. Hours of preparation wasted.Your whole plan to pull an all-nighter is in jeopardy, and you begin to question if you have what it takes to be a real gamer. What do you do?
The answer is simple. Nothing. Sure you could pause the game and walk the ten feet to the kitchen, but that would cost you precious seconds of game play. Your significant other could have grabbed your drink for you, but they selfishly wanted a healthy relationship. For better or worse this is the path you have chosen. You stretch your fingers, pop open the Doritos, and look to the future. This is your destiny. The people of Earth are depending on you, and you'll be damned if an energy drink is going to get in the way.
You sit alone in the glow of your television, with no one to make the harrowing trek to the kitchen for you, and reflect. You pray that the COG's can lead humanity to victory, and you pray that your room mate wakes up early.
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